Monthly Archives: October 2011

From my window, the trees branches bow. Powdery cold adorns them in thick white blankets, heavy, pure, silent. Today will be a snow day, whether I like it or not, I have no say. There is a fire crackling downstairs. It warms the house, fills it with a sweet smoky smell. I sit in my bed buried in my own white fluffy blankets of down. Stillness is the theme of the day.

My drive home last night was not as comforting. The storm moved in quickly, starting as dark clouds and cold rain. By nightfall the snow began its attack. I live in the mountains up one of the steepest roads in Colorado. I attempted the drive home at 10pm. While I braved the road and won, I did so with intense dedication, concentration and a firm grip on the steering wheel. I fishtailed my way around the last two switchbacks, swearing at moments that I was driving sideways. But I made it safely.

Today, when I awoke, it was not the stress of an intense drive that I felt. I was not filled by the pressure of my upcoming fundraiser and all the unchecked boxes of things yet to do. Instead I was filled with stillness. I appreciate the snow for this, and the comfort of a warm home and my loyal dog and my persistent cat. I could complain about the need to reschedule meetings, the fact that there is no time to reschedule because I’m already booked up. Or I can listen to the Steeldriver Radio on Pandora, bake cookies, and maybe even dress up in my snow gear and go play outside.

Yesterday I had an interview on KGNU, the local Boulder/Denver radio station. They interviewed me about my project and my upcoming fundraiser. The interview will air tomorrow. I will try and link a copy of it onto the website. Today I received emails from local mental health professionals RSVPing to the fundraiser event, some making donations, some inquiring about more information. I have worked diligently the past month on this event. While it is just a week away, and I still feel the pressure of time. I will enjoy today. Today can be my day of rest. Today I will trust that all the work I have done will not disappear by my one absent day, my snow day. And today I will play! And tomorrow I will return to work. Tomorrow will be one day closer to my fundraiser. Tomorrow, the snow will muddy and melt, and this gentle stillness will fade away.

I have entered into fundraiser land. A strange and dark land filled with excessive emails, phone calls, answering machines, followups, schmoozing, sales pitches, late nights, and giant grins with outstretched hands. This land is ruled by a giant monster clock named Time. I stumble through through this strange land with the appearance of a cool demeanor. All the while a snotty nosed 5 year old is throwing a temper tantrum inside of me, screaming and crying “I wanna go home!” Perhaps this is too dramatic, or maybe not… The monster Time tightens its sweaty palms, squeezing my heart to make it beat a bit faster and raise my blood pressure just a bit.

“Tick tock” Time has a deep and methodic voice. “You have two weeks left. Will you make it? Will you get it done?” Then time laughs its rhythmic chuckle “Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick….”

…

So I’m not really being attacked by a giant monster clock with pointy arrow hands. It’s just that Halloween is around the corner and it is my favorite holiday. I am in fundraiser land though and it is scary. The deadlines are approaching and the stress is building. I have two weeks to pull together an event to benefit that will help me continue photographing and documenting the history of mental illness in the U.S. I am putting myself out there, asking people for help, trying to raise awareness and funds so I can continue on this path. I am making myself vulnerable with much room for failure. There are monsters that haunt me. Time is one of them, doubt another. The biggest monster is the “What if” monster. What if I fail? What if I don’t get enough support? What if people don’t take me seriously? And then, what if they do take me seriously?!

Perhaps this is what makes it all worth it in the end. Pushing through the doubts. Harnessing the power of time to motivate instead of scare. Doing it, even though its difficult. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and everyone is not doing it, I am. So here I am, two weeks before my fundraiser. Nearing the end of a big push. And also nearing the beginning of an even bigger push, continuing to photograph and documenting. Continuing to interview people. Continue so that I can complete this project. But, that is too far away to imagine right now. I have two weeks.

It’s like the roller coaster rides I love so much. One that takes you on that death defying drop and twirls you in its upside down loops. One that make you scream and your stomach lurch. One that terrifies you, but when you get off your face is plastered with a giant grin. Again! I have two weeks… best that I enjoy the thrilling ride of it all. We’ll see what next week brings when I have only one week to go. Will I still enjoy the ride then?