This too shall pass

The fundraiser is over and I wish I could say the storm has passed; it has not. I feel the tip of the iceberg pushing onward cold and heavy and determined.

My fundraiser event was successful. I define success in many ways. The event was sold out: success. There were more people in attendance that I did NOT know than people I knew: success. The food was wonderful and the music enjoyable: success. Donations were made and photographs sold: success. It was fun: success. Perhaps the biggest success of all, people were truly impacted by my project, describing it as evocative, passionate, haunting and inspiring. While I will admit the fundraiser was to raise money so I may continue with this project… the true reward is in knowing that the work I am doing has an impact on the people it touches: SUCCESS!

The last week has been stressful and the stress continues to heavy its burden. I was in a small car accident last Friday. I hit some black ice on my way home. I live in the mountains on one of the steepest roads in CO. It was late and dark and with one wrong turn coming around a curve, I ended up loosing control and driving my car into a tree. I am lucky. I am okay, no one else was involved, and my friend just happened to be driving behind me so I was not stranded in the middle of nowhere, late at night in the cold without cell phone service. I am lucky! I will remind myself again. But now, I begin the struggle of car repairs, insurance and accident claims, rental cars, and some minor PTSD.

On top of this, my dad was admitted to the hospital this morning for an abscess on his liver. He has been in pain for the last few weeks going to his doctor for series of tests all turning up negative. He felt like he was going crazy. Was it all in his head? Finally the tests came back with something conclusive and my dad was to be admitted the next morning. Somewhere between the time of the test and the middle of the night list night, the abscess doubled in size and my dad had to be admitted early through the ER. They are currently trying to figure out what the abscess is and why it’s there.

I also have an art show coming up next weekend. I am supposed to be pulling stuff together for this. I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I am loosing my mind… setting down a cup of water and not remembering where I set it just a moment ago. Feeling at moments like I just want to cry because there is just too much going on and I have absolutely no control. I have no control… eh! What was I doing? What was I saying? What I am supposed to be working on? Where am I going? I am forgetful, my plate too full, trying to keep up with classes, work, the stresses of life, my puppy, and also make time for myself. I have been pushed hard by these stresses. Yet, one thing keeps coming to mind… never having dealt with mental illness myself, I feel a new appreciation and compassion for the hardship that must come with the varying degrees of this illness. How do you ask for help? Where do you find the support? It is such an internal battle of things that only you can see, only you can handle, only you can deal with, so how do you vocalize these things? How do you ask for what you need? Despite this hardship, I am so appreciative for this insight… into myself and into the work that I do with this project.

While these weeks have been hard and will continue to be hard into the near future, I remain optimistic. I am reminded and continue to remind myself:

“THIS TOO SHALL PASS.”